Craving Comfort
by CharlotteBlackwood
Summary: They say friendship is the seed from which love grows. But Lydia learned that love was a capricious, varied, untamed thing, and that what is wanted isn't always what is needed. SS/OC, fair amount of SB/OC at beginning. This will be a LONG story. Covers end of Marauder Era through end of Book Era, no gaps or time jumps longer than a few weeks.
1. September, 1976

**A/N: I came up with the concept of this story JUST before going to sleep one night. It's going to be long, so that's why the pacing might seem a bit slow at first. There will be a lot of Sirius/OC at the beginning, but this is a Severus/OC story. YOU'LL SEE. Things have to happen first. Enjoy!**

** -C**

She ran her fingers along the familiar edge of the picture frame, her fingertips numb to the sensation of the wood grains on her skin; she'd been doing it for so long.

Lily would be by soon. The Evans's were giving Lydia a ride to King's Cross again, for the fifth year in a row.

The picture was of Lydia, Lily, and Severus in their first year, the best of friends, the three students in their year from their part of their city. They didn't even live in a wizarding area.

The three of them had been so happy then, happy to have found each other and become such good friends, happy to have vowed to be friends forever.

But that had all changed just a few months ago when Severus had called Lily a Mudblood in front of the whole of their year and now Lydia didn't know where anything stood anymore. With a final sigh she tucked the picture carefully into a corner of her quite-full trunk and took one last look around her bedroom to make sure she wasn't leaving anything behind. Satisfied that everything important was packed, Lydia closed and latched her trunk, dragging it toward the door and pulling on her jacket.

Just as she was tucking her wand into her pocket, Lydia heard the Evans's car pull into the drive and she rushed down the stairs so that they didn't have to ring the doorbell.

"Mr. Evans, Lily," Lydia said with a smile. "My parents are sleeping again. Everything's ready, I just need some help with my trunk."

"Have you eaten breakfast today?" Mr. Evans asked, smiling but obviously concerned that her parents never got up to see her off.

"Yes," Lydia lied easily as she always did, leading Mr. Evans up to her room where he heaved up her trunk and carried it down to the car, the two girls following him, giggling as the climbed into the back seat together.

"Good morning, Lydia," Mrs. Evans said kindly. "How are you?"

"Very well, Mrs. Evans, thank you," Lydia lied, even easier than the last time she'd said it. "And you, Mrs. Evans?"

"Excellent, dear," the kindly woman beamed.

Mr. Evans then got into the car and started it up, driving away from Lydia's house, which she didn't look back at.

She never did.

"So," Lily said excitedly once they were on the motorway, "have you written any letters this summer?"

Of course Lily and Lydia didn't need to write to each other. They lived close enough that they could meet in the park, or at Lily's house when Petunia was out. But Lydia knew exactly what Lily was referring to and she blushed, shaking her head.

Lily clicked her tongue disappointedly.

"Lydia, dear, you know you ought to be more proactive!" the redhead said excitedly. "Would you like for me to mention you to him during the prefects meeting?"

"No," Lydia said quickly, blushing slightly. Lily would do it anyway, but she wanted to make her objection known. "It won't do any good, Lily."

"Nonsense," Lily protested. "This is your year!"

"You say that every year," Lydia grumbled slightly, turning to watch the countryside whiz by out of the window rather than face her friend's match-making brainstorm session all over again.

The truth of the matter was that, yes, Lydia Rowe was desperately in love with Remus Lupin. She had been for years. The other truth of the matter was that the last thing Lydia needed to do was be more proactive, because there wasn't a soul in all of Hogwarts who didn't know that Lydia had asked the bookish Marauder out dozens of times, and been turned down politely but consistently each time. Her failures at her love life were nearly as famous as James Potter frequently asking out Lily and being publically humiliated each time.

But Lydia was not James Potter. She was embarrassed that somehow everyone knew her failures and desperation, no matter how discrete she was. She also knew that it wasn't that Remus disliked her or even necessarily didn't have feelings for her: He was a werewolf.

To him that meant that dating would be putting someone in unnecessary danger, socially and physically, and putting them under constant undue stress. He couldn't seem to understand that Lydia didn't care that he was a werewolf or all of the things that would entail if she was with him. She just wanted to be with him.

Didn't he realize that she was broken too?

But of course he didn't, she chastised herself. No one knew. No one except...

Severus.

Severus had been there, been at her house when it happened, and he was the only person who understood how painful going home each summer was. He usually visited, but he hadn't this past summer.

Perhaps he wouldn't speak to her now that he and Lily were not speaking, and hadn't been speaking for months.

Lydia wanted to ask where they all stood, but she was too afraid to bring him up. The last time Lily had talked about Severus, she'd gotten so angry that she started throwing things around their dormitory, and Lily hardly ever threw things.

It was always a long ride to London, but the girls scrambled out and waited while Mr. Evans fetched trolleys for their things and set them up to push their things to the barrier between platforms nine and ten. When they had gotten onto platform nine and three quarters, they said their fond goodbyes to Lily's parents and got their things onto the train.

"I'm going to the meeting, all right?" Lily said happily, giving her friend a quick hug. "Find us a compartment, will you?"

Lydia dutifully found an empty compartment, settling down near the window with a potions book Severus had given her three years ago for her birthday, with various tips and notations in the margins for her. She'd never had the natural facility in Potions that Severus and Lily had, but with diligence and Severus's tips she'd managed to be near the top of the class consistently. She'd just begun to read a section on Healing Potions when the compartment door slid open to reveal the faces of three Marauders looking in at her.

"Hey, Rowe," James Potter said, grinning broadly. "We're going to join you."

She scowled up at him.

"Lily won't like it," she pointed out as the boys came in and sat down anyway, Sirius sitting beside her, James and Peter sitting on the opposite part of the compartment. "She's going to be cross with you, and you know how tense she already is when she has to patrol the train."

James just laughed, winking at her.

"Relax, we know you don't really want us to go. Remus goes where we go, after all."

Lydia was too busy trying to hide her blush behind her book that she barely noticed that Sirius tensed at the reminder of her continued embarrassment.

"What are you reading, Rowe?" Sirius said, but he never said her surname with the same harshness James did. James was her Quidditch captain, and therefore he was so used to yelling her name from across the pitch that he couldn't seem to speak to her as if she were a normal person.

She tried not to take it personally.

"Potions book," she muttered, not looking up at Sirius.

Lydia, like many other females, found it difficult to look at Sirius, and at the same time incredibly difficult not to look at him. He was one of those people, like Lily, who was far too good looking for it to be humanly possible, and yet there he was. He had always been especially strange to Lydia because she always thought of herself as plain at best, especially compared with Lily. Lily had beautiful auburn hair; Lydia had limp sand-colored strands. Lily's bright green eyes were always alight with some passionate emotion; Lydia's grayish-brown eyes were dull unless the light was just right, and she was convinced that it hardly ever was.

Sirius lowered the book to see what she was reading over her shoulder and she let him, entirely sure what to say or do in that situation. Sirius Black pretty much did whatever he wanted, and Lydia didn't feel like he was being so intruding that she had a right to be the person who told him not to do what he pleased. He frowned deeply, though, when he looked at the pages she was on.

"That handwriting seems familiar... Really familiar... Whose is it? It's not yours, I know that much."

Why would he know her handwriting?

But then Lydia realized that the Marauders shared everything. He must have read the notes and letters she'd given to Remus and shared in a laugh with James over them. She blushed again, but didn't answer the question, merely shifting her book to its previous position.

After all, it was debatable whether James or Sirius hated Severus most, or whether Severus hated James and Sirius most. Lydia knew they all had ample reason to hate each other, but she liked them all well enough and desperately didn't want to get in the middle of it.

Thankfully, before Sirius insisted on an answer, Lily and Remus opened the compartment door.

"Potter, what are you doing in here, bugging Lydia?" Lily growled.

"She let us in," James said, trying to defend himself. "She wanted us here."

"Likely," Lily said dryly, motioning for Remus to take the seat across from Lydia in a not so sly way, taking the spot next to Sirius in order to force Remus closer to her best friend. Lydia blushed even brighter, pretending not to notice as her eyes scanned Severus's notes unseeing.

"How was the meeting, Remus?" Sirius said lazily, stretching out a bit and shifting slightly closer to Lydia in this motion.

"Exactly the same as always," Remus said softly, watching Lydia as best he could over the top of her book. She knew all he could see was the very top of her bright-red forehead, but it did please her to know he was looking, nonetheless.

James tried regularly throughout the train ride to talk to Lily, but he was utterly unsuccessful. She did little more in regards to him than ignore his very presence, which Lydia thought was actually very kind of her compared with what Lydia had been expecting. Sirius, James, and Remus carried the conversation, and Sirius kept trying to involve Lydia in everything they were discussing.

"What do you think, Lydia?" Sirius asked when she'd nearly finished the section on Healing Potions and the world outside the train was quite dark and wild country. She was so surprised to have been addressed again that she put her book down, blinking up at him, confused.

"What?" she asked, but whatever they were drawing her into, she would never know, because Peter suddenly spoke up for the first time all day.

"It's Snape's! The handwriting is Snivellus's!"

Lydia's eyes grew wide and she looked up at Sirius apologetically as he turned a brilliant shade of red, a vein in his neck seeming ready to burst out.

"Why is Snivellus's handwriting in your book?" he demanded, and Lydia backed away, a bit worried he might actually hurt her, but there wasn't a lot of space to move away from him.

"Sirius," Remus said in a warning voice, but Sirius didn't appear able to hear him.

"He gave it to me," Lydia said softly. "As a present. I... He... It was a long time ago."

Sirius flexed and unflexed his fingers repeatedly, staring at Lydia with wild gray eyes, apparently looking through her.

"Get rid of it," he said, almost viciously.

"Black," Lily said sharply. "You're being cruel."

Sirius didn't seem to be able to hear anything but what Lydia said in direct response to him.

"No!" she said anxiously. "It's my best potions book!"

"Then get rid of his writing!"

"No!" Lydia said roughly. "What's it to you, anyway? It's not your book, it's mine!"

He opened his mouth forcefully as if to shout something at her, but then he closed it again, the redness in his face not dying down, but he seemed to have realized that there wasn't a proper, logical outlet for whatever was going on in his head, so he got up, stormed out of the compartment, and left the remaining five teenagers looking at the slammed compartment door, confused.

"What was that about?" Lydia asked, bewildered and a bit frightened.

"You ought to know," James said accusingly. "But since you don't I suppose I've got a mess to clean up. Excuse me. I need to calm him down before he kills somebody."

James then stood up calmly and marched out of the compartment, closing the door much more gently behind him.

"What just happened?" Lily asked, bewildered.

"I shouldn't have said anything," Peter said, frowning slightly. "I was just so excited that I knew the answer that I didn't stop and think..."

"Stop and think about what?" Lydia pressed, thinking that between Peter and Remus one of them would have to tell the girls what was going on with Sirius. This was far worse than anything she'd ever seen when Sirius and Severus were fighting.

"Nothing," Peter squeaked, blushing and tapping his fingers on the seat nervously. Remus just shook his head and sighed.

"What was James being so cryptic about?" Lydia pressed Remus.

Remus looked at her with a small thoughtful frown for a moment and then said, "Do you remember when we talked about secrets?"

How could Lydia forget? Finding out that Remus was a werewolf, telling him that she had secrets of her own and understood, secrets she couldn't begin to speak out loud for fear she'd have to face them... It was a conversation that haunted her every time she thought of asking him out again, because what if her unwillingness to come forward with her own secrets was part of the reason he was turning her away?

"Yes," Lydia said softly, watching his face carefully for some sort of sign, some sort of anything that would make her feel he might be capable of loving her after all.

Not that she needed a sign. It was the lie she told herself every morning when she woke up.

"Well this isn't my secret to tell," he said gently. "If you really want to know, Sirius is going to have to be the one to tell you. When he's ready."

Lily sighed, slightly annoyed, but she understood secrets, too. Not as well as Lydia, but she had been keeping Remus's secret about his being a werewolf for just as long.

What Lily didn't know, though, was the other Marauder secret, that all of the other three were illegal Animagi and spent the full moon with Remus. Sirius and Remus had told her this, with permission of the others, in order for her to understand just how difficult and really impossible it would be for her to really be with Remus.

They meant to scare her, she supposed, because she was terrible at Transfiguration that involved humans in any way, so the likelihood she could even come close to being an Animagus was very near to zero. But it took more than that to scare away Lydia Rowe.

In a strange way, Lydia was especially proud of herself that she knew the secret and Lily did not, and even more so for having kept it so well from her best friend. No doubt James wanted Lily to know, thought it would impress her into wanting to be with him, and maybe it would, if Lily could get over the part that it was illegal and focus on how it was amazing magic and wonderfully loyal friendship. But the other Marauder likely continued to overturn James on that matter, because after all, Lily turned them in for their shenanigans frequently, and it wasn't even illegal.

Sirius and James did not return for the rest of the train ride, so it was a very silent compartment, Lily, Lydia, and Remus all reading and Peter sitting there, watching them read. Lydia briefly thought about telling Peter that he was bothering her, but as they were nearly to the school and he was already so embarrassed she decided not to be cruel and stuck to her book, trying to ignore him.

The train stopped and the teenagers filed out onto the platform. Lily and Remus were helping direct first years toward Hagrid, so Peter and Lydia walked up to where the carriages were in silence. When they reached them, Lydia heard a voice calling her name. She turned to see two of her roommates standing there, waving at her.

"Lydia!" Artemis Rutgers said happily. "Peter! Come on, we've got a carriage!"

Peter looked as though he might object to sitting on a carriage with Mary MacDonald, Artemis, and Lydia, being a bit uncomfortable around so many girls at once, but he climbed in after Mary and the carriage took off toward the school.

"Good summer, then?" Mary asked politely.

"Great," Lydia lied without a second thought. "Yours?"

"We had a wicked time," Artemis said excitedly. "I threw that party I've been planning for years. I invited you, you know. You didn't come."

"My parents said I couldn't," Lydia lied, and Artemis gave her a sympathetic look.

"Anyway, it was great," Artemis said excitedly. "Sirius got Remus drunk and he started going on about how pretty you are. I thought Sirius regretted it a bit, but once he got him going there was no stopping him."

Lydia blushed, looked down, and suddenly wished she'd decided to go to the party after all.

Maybe Lily was right. Maybe this was her year.


	2. October, 1976

**A/N: Just a quick note, this chapter is October, 1976. As I've said, this is a long story, and fully outlined comes to 526 chapters... Yes, that's a REALLY LONG STORY but I will not abandon it and I hope to keep it going at as steady of a pace as possible. Buckle in for the ride!**

** -C**

It was October when James ordered the very first Quidditch practice of the year. He hadn't bothered with trials... The current team had been together for three years and won the Quidditch Cup each year. If they hadn't been so dominant, Professor McGonagall might have made him actually hold trials, but she really couldn't complain when his methods worked so well.

Lydia found herself bleary-eyed and eating breakfast so that she didn't pass out, even though she knew she was going to be late for practice. Remus was there, as Sirius and Peter were sleeping in and James was already at the pitch, and so Lydia and Remus had a bit of time alone, which was rare to come by.

"Marmalade?" Remus asked politely, finishing spreading some on his own toast. Lydia shook her head, picking at the porridge she'd dished up for herself. He frowned at her. "Is that all you're going to eat?" Lydia merely shrugged, trying not to blush under all the attention from him. "Lydia, I hardly ever see you eat."

"Obviously I eat, or I'd be dead," she sighed, wishing he would drop her eating habits.

In truth, it was the only way she could manage not to feel like she was starving all summer, making sure she didn't eat too much during the school year. She didn't want her stomach to have to go through growing and shrinking all the time.

But Remus didn't need to know that. In fact, she'd rather he didn't.

"Barely," he sighed. "Please eat more than that," he said urgently. "Please, I'll be bothered all day if you don't."

Lydia shifted uncomfortably in her seat, knowing that he'd only said it that way because he knew that she would do just about anything he asked of her. But if she ate too much food she'd be absolutely sick. She looked up at his amber eyes, though, and sighed heavily.

"Fine, pass me a banana or something," she grumbled.

Remus cheerily grabbed a banana and passed it over to her. Compliantly, Lydia peeled the banana and sliced it so that each slice landed in her porridge.

It had been a bland porridge, anyway.

He seemed satisfied about her eating at that, perhaps because it was more nutritionally sound, perhaps because he knew that was all he was getting out of her, and then he turned to companionable conversation, which Lydia would have been far more thrilled about had she been some semblance of a morning person, rather than desperately trying to stay awake and be half-sane for practice. She hated when James made her run extra when she was already miserable.

"How are classes?" Remus asked. "You're in Arithmancy, right? Lily's been complaining about it all the time."

"Yeah, I am," Lydia replied. "It's fine. Lily's just bad with numbers."

Remus chuckled softly, although it could equally be what Lydia had said or the zombie-like way in which Lydia had said it.

"Sirius loves that class," Remus said softly, watching Lydia as she sipped some pumpkin juice.

She put down her juice and snorted, "He's awful at it."

Perhaps that wasn't fair of her. It was by far her best subject, she'd been top of the year since they'd started taking it, and everyone was terrible compared with her.

Remus shrugged and smiled a little.

"He loves it anyway," he said in an almost sly way that Lydia would have been surprised at had she been awake enough to fully appreciate it. "Don't tell me you're not going to finish that," he then said disapprovingly, because Lydia had begun to push away the remainder of her banana porridge. She huffed.

"But James will yell at me if I'm late," she whined.

"I'll vouch for you," Remus said kindly. "It will be all my fault and he can yell at me to his heart's content. Now eat."

Lydia could hardly argue with that and so she managed to force herself to finish the porridge while Remus talked to her, keeping her company rather kindly as she knew he had a thousand things that were better uses of his time. Still, she debated over whether to eat faster so as not to anger James or eat slower to have an excuse to spend more time with Remus. Her head was spinning from her options.

Still, all too soon her porridge was gone and she smiled up at Remus sadly.

"Guess I'll see you later," Lydia said. "James will want me at practice, after all."

Remus nodded, waved goodbye, and Lydia marched out to the Quidditch pitch, muttering to herself about how ridiculous it was that she and everyone else had to wake up early for Quidditch practice just because James managed to procure so many detentions that they couldn't do it in the evening like everyone else.

That's not to say that they got evenings off. No, in fact, any evening James hadn't procured a detention that wasn't already booked by another team was up for practice, meaning that the Gryffindor Quidditch team was sometimes practicing nine or more times a week. If dedication was all it took to win the Cup, James Potter would have won it all by himself every year.

Alas, it took an actual Quidditch team to win, with actual Quidditch practices, and once James found out everything he could about each of his players he was determined to milk them dry. That included Lydia, who had joined the Quidditch team in her third year because Mary MacDonald said it was fun, and she sorely regretted it from the moment James took over captaincy in their fifth year.

"Late, Rowe," James barked.

"Remus detained me," she said with a blush, ignoring the knowing giggle of Mary, who was blocking shots from Gaynor Akerman, a fifth year Chaser.

"He'll have to confirm that later," James said disapprovingly, and one might have thought in that moment that James was the responsible one and Remus an incorrigible troublemaker. "I want you up at the hoops, give Akerman some time to work on passing with me. I'm putting the Bludgers out now, too."

Lydia glanced over at Melissa and Gena, the Beaters, and noted that they were very disappointed by this news. The girls were the smallest Beaters in the school, but they'd proven themselves worthy of their role time and time again, able to keep up with the Bludgers in a way no one else could, with killer aim and surprising strength for their size. Still, Lydia knew they found the job exhausting, and if they weren't trying to get Sirius Black's attention by spending so much time with James, they probably would have quit ages ago.

Not wanting to be made to fly laps, however, Lydia pushed Melissa and Gena from her mind and mounted her broom quickly, kicking off the ground and soaring up toward Mary.

"Do you have the replacement Quaffle?" she called to James. He gave her an annoyed look, which meant that she was obviously supposed to have assumed that he had it, and when she reached Mary at the posts, Lydia rolled her eyes. "He's a bloody tyrant. Can we start an uprising, already?"

"I can hear you, Rowe!" James screeched.

She raised her eyebrows. All of the Marauders had unnaturally good hearing, and Sirius's had gotten especially good of late. She thought they might have done something to magically enhance the sense, but as she'd not found a permanent spell for such a thing, she really was stumped.

"Anyway," Mary giggled, "how's Remus?"

Lydia blushed again, taking the Quaffle and tossing experimentally between her hands. She didn't want to talk about Remus, not when James could so obviously hear her, but Mary wouldn't relent until she did.

"He's fine," Lydia replied casually, flying a bit away from Mary and trying to decide how she would attempt to beat her friend on this particular morning. "He… he looked healthier."

"Did you to snog?" Mary teased. "That would put a bit of color in his cheeks."

If Lydia thought she was blushing before, it was nothing to how flushed her whole face became at the thought of her and Remus locked in a tight embrace, lips eagerly exploring each other, desperately snogging.

"MacDonald, Rowe, get your arses in gear or you'll be doing an extra hour of practice!"

"We have class, you dolt!" Lydia growled.

"We'll schedule it during your dinner break," James cried.

Clearly, he wasn't playing around, if he was willing to sacrifice his precious meal time to make Lydia and Mary suffer for not working as hard as he thought they ought to do. Lydia decided that buckling down was the best option.

Mary and Lydia had done the same exercises together hundreds of times, and then hundreds more. James not only wanted Lydia to perfect her technique in scoring, which was very good but not as good as his, but he also wanted her to be their primary defensive player, which was her best skill. In this way, Lydia could almost read Mary's mind on what was needed at their own goalposts, and she was able to defend more effectively than any other Chaser in the league.

This was James's own stroke of brilliance, because in dire moments, they basically had two Keepers instead of the one, which made them close to invincible.

Still, James was never wholly satisfied, so Mary and Lydia were constantly becoming more and more in tune with each other both very proud of their skill in this area, and really anxious not to be yelled at and punished by James for mistakes.

Because a small mistake could be forgiven, but a mistake that led to a loss would be punished for months on end. And Lydia and Mary neither wanted to deal with such a thing.

As Lydia did figure-eights and attempted to score on Mary, she contemplated the ways in which this connection benefited them in non-Quidditch pursuits as well.

After Mary had been used as wannabe-Death-Eater target practice, for example, Lydia was the first to recognize that something was very, very wrong with Mary. She'd mentioned it to Lily, who did a bit of Lily Evans snooping, and it was then brought to the attention of Professor McGonagall, who was able to confirm that Mary Evans had been used for practicing Unforgivable Curses.

Lydia hadn't been praised as the hero in that situation, as Lily had been taken as the hero in that situation, but Mary knew it had been Lydia, and had thanked her profusely for getting her help.

"So," Lydia finally said when they were in the locker room, changing into less sweaty robes, "How's Artemis?"

Artemis was Mary's best friend, not Lydia, in spite of the constant understanding of each other. Because in spite of their connection, Mary and Lydia did not share secrets. Lydia actually wasn't sure if Mary and Artemis shared secrets, but she assumed they did, because everyone had to share secrets with someone. Even if it was just one person.

"Same as always," Mary said with a laugh.

She then went on to talk more about the crazy party Artemis had thrown over summer holidays, which Lydia had been hearing about for the whole month they had been back at school. Lydia tuned it out, then, not needing to hear about the antics of the Marauders for the millionth time. Besides, she had a day to get through, which included a lot of homework before going to sleep.

The day was an average day like every other, and Lydia found herself in one of the armchairs by the fireplace that evening, trying to focus on her homework.

Lily was on the floor at Lydia's feet, pouring over a Potions essay that Lydia had been putting off. After all, her Arthimancy was so much more interesting. But she wouldn't be able to put it off forever, and she kept glancing anxiously at Lily as she worked on the essay, hoping that it would give her a stroke of inspiration on her own essay.

Suddenly, there was a disturbance in the common room of a completely uncommon sort.

Sirius Black was in the corner with James and Remus and Peter, the four of them with their heads together as always. That wasn't the strange bit.

The strange bit was the fact that Sirius seemed to be getting more and more upset about something, to the point where people around them were starting to stop whatever they were doing and watching the building strangeness at the Marauder table. Lily even put down her quill with a frown and looked over at the Marauders for a long moment, prompting Lydia to set her book down and to the same.

Sirius was very red in the face at this point, speaking in a low but urgent tone to Remus. It seemed as though they were... fighting?

Remus seemed a bit alarmed, but otherwise calm, which was Remus through and through. Very little could rattle the bookish Marauder enough to make him raise his voice, and whatever was bothering Sirius was obviously not among those things.

"Can you hear them?" Lydia asked Lily, who had the better hearing out of the two of them. Lily shook her head, narrowing her eyes a little and trying to decide whether or not she could read their lips.

At this point, though, Lydia saw that Remus motioned over to the fireplace and the other Marauders looked over at the girls with their curious, confused expressions and all intense whispering at that table ceased.

After a moment, Remus muttered something to the other Marauders and Sirius grew pale almost instantly, then turned bright red, spat something that seemed vicious by the look on his face, and then got up abruptly and started to storm off to his dormitory.

"Sirius, c'mon," James called after him and Sirius turned around sharply and glared at his best friend, causing the room to grow almost eerily quiet.

"No," Sirius said harshly. "No, James, I'm not sitting and listening to this. I won't."

"Sirius, I'm sorry," Remus said, truly looking incredibly abashed for whatever he'd supposedly done. "I know that-"

"Don't say another word," James said sharply, looking over at Lily and Lydia, who were watching them intently, interestedly.

"What are they talking about?" Lydia whispered as Sirius continued to storm out of the room, this time unhindered by his friends.

"I'm... I'm not sure," Lily said slowly, picking up her quill again and frowning at it. "But I'm getting the feeling that they were talking about you."

Lydia couldn't quite fathom why they would have such controversy over her, but she also couldn't imagine Sirius behaving so strangely after talking about Lily.

It bothered Lydia slightly that in spite of knowing the Marauder's secrets she still couldn't decipher all of their strange moods and behaviors. Sirius, Sirius was the one who really seemed a mystery lately. His behavior was growing increasingly bipolar and sporadic since the train ride, and Lydia was finding it both intriguing and exhausting to deal with. She never knew if he was going to yell at her or be sweet as pie, and trying to anticipate was driving her crazy.

"I should probably check on him," she heard James sigh, and she watched him pick up his wand and go upstairs after Sirius, noting that Remus and Peter were squirming uncomfortably in their seats, probably still thinking about whatever the fight had actually been over.

"I'll be back," Lydia muttered, putting down her book and walking over to the boys where they were sitting, noting that the rest of the common room appeared to have gone back to their usual and previous activities.

"Lydia!" Peter squeaked nervously. "Hi."

"Hi, Peter," Lydia said, clinging to his greeting as an excuse to sit down. "Is... is Sirius okay? I don't think I've seen him so upset about something in a while. Well, unless you count the train."

Remus flinched a little at the mention of the incident on the train and Lydia got the sense that the two outbursts were somehow related. She nodded a little to herself and looked down at the blank bit of parchment in front of them that looked strangely familiar.

But that was crazy, because parchment all looked more or less alike... didn't it?

"He'll be all right," Remus finally said. "I... He's just a bit tense at the moment. He'll be fine."

Something about the weak way Remus offered up this assurance meant that it didn't ring true to Lydia, but she just nodded, glancing over at the armchair where her book sat and wondering what she was supposed to say or do next.

"He's... he's just been a bit off lately, so I was worried," she said slowly. Artemis came downstairs and settled with Lily on the floor in front of the fireplace. "I guess I'll leave you to your homework again, then," she finally said, not knowing what else to say.

"Right, homework. Right," Peter squeaked, and Lydia looked at him with concern before going back to her chair and hearing Remus smack Peter lightly as she walked away.

"Those bloody boys," Lydia sighed. "Those boys are going to be the death of me. Peter's being weird."

"Being weird, or being weird for Peter?" Artemis asked without looking up from her Herbology book.

Lydia frowned slightly, trying to decide as she settled back into her chair.

"Just being weird, I suppose," she admitted.

"Then I wouldn't be too worried," Artemis said firmly. "Anyway, I think they're just stressed. A lot's going on, you know, with seventh year and everything. Even the Marauders have to make sense underneath all their strangeness."

And Lydia supposed that Artemis must be right, she just wished that she knew what sense they were making.


	3. November, 1976

**A/N: My computer is behaving poorly... or rather, misbehaving. This chapter is being written from **_**Missing Triforce's**_** computer, or at least begun there. SIGH. I've got the outline done, though, so hopefully nothing will stop the flow of chapters! :D**

** -C**

Lily ran the comb through her auburn hair once more and gave her reflection a nod.

"All right," she told Lydia. "I think we're ready to go."

Lydia bit back a comment that it had taken her best friend long enough. But if she was being fair, the cold November air was doing a number on Lily's incredibly sensitive skin and Lily's refusal to go out when her skin looked so blotchy was more than understandable. But Lydia couldn't help but be jealous that Lily not looking perfect just when she woke up in the morning was a big deal somehow.

They bundled up and headed down to the common room, where the Marauders were already gathered, huddled around the fire, discussing their course of action for the second Hogsmeade weekend of the year.

"Hello, ladies!" James said in his bright, friendly, everyone-wants-to-punch-you-for-being-thus-so-earl y-in-the-morning sort of way.

"Get a life, Potter," Lily snapped unnecessarily, and James froze for a moment, perhaps wondering what he'd done, but Lydia gave him an apologetic shrug and followed her best friend out into the corridor.

"He was just being nice, Lily," Lydia said gently, but Lily wasn't listening. They made their way down to the entrance hall, out the doors into the cold morning air, and crossed the grounds with increasing swiftness.

"We are having a girl's day," Lily finally said firmly. "We will not let those boys spoil our special girl's day."

"Of course not," Lydia conceded, thinking that perhaps Lily needed to get a sharp kick of reality if she thought that a friendly greeting was an attempt to spoil something.

As fun as it was to spend time with her best friend since first year, Lydia had often thought that Lily got a bit nutty about girl's days, and it seemed to only have gotten worse since Lily and Severus stopped talking. Lily was even touchier than she'd ever been, and the girl had always had a temper that worked perfectly with her red hair.

"Now," Lily said firmly, "we should start with a quick breakfast in the Great Hall, then off to Hogsmeade."

"Of course," Lydia chimed, knowing that nothing was going to change in their perfectly worked out routine.

"We could start off at Gladrags," Lily said thoughtfully, as if this wasn't where they started every time. "Then Honeydukes, of course."

"Naturally," Lydia said, not really listening anymore to what now felt like a carefully rehearsed speech.

By the time they got to the Great Hall, Lily had finished detailing their plans for the day and Lydia had absently agreed to everything, sitting down and eagerly gobbling up her bacon and eggs, lamenting that she had not the time to drink tea properly. She thought with a sad twinge that Severus would tease her about it, if he were with them, but then she just poured a bit of water and turned to her food.

"Right," Lily said when the two girls finished their breakfast. "Let's go to Hogsmeade!"

The familiar path down to the quaint village seemed shorter every year, and when they reached the village their feet took them directly to Gladrag's as if they'd ordered their feet to do so by merely discussing it earlier that morning. It was remarkable how habits manifested themselves.

The girls spent the morning perusing the racks in the shop and chatting with the owner about the latest styles.

Lily tried on dozens of clothes.

Lydia tried on nothing, merely complimenting her beautiful friend.

"Miss Rowe, I believe this would suit your coloring," said the shopkeeper eagerly, always trying to entice her into trying something on, although she never did. They came to his shop because of Lily's love of clothes, not because Lydia took any pleasure out of pretty clothes that she knew she could never feel right wearing.

"No, thank you, really," she said as kindly as she could, but Lily had gotten excited.

"Oh, Lydia, do try it!" Lily pressed. "You never try anything and it's very dull of you. Come on, just this one!"

But Lydia took one look at the dress and could almost picture herself in the fitting room, stripped down and about to defile the beautiful blue garment with her malnourished, unworthy body. She shivered.

"No, really, Lily, I feel not in the mood to try on clothes," Lydia said, not untruthfully. She was never in the mood. "Besides, you still have three to go," she told her friend, motioning to the robes Lily hadn't yet tried on that they'd picked out from the racks.

They spent the rest of the day doing their favorite things, but Lydia couldn't help but feel a bit off, thinking of how Lily kept looking at her, wondering why she wouldn't just try on the robes. Finally, when they sat down in the Three Broomsticks for lunch and Lily had ordered, Lydia buried her face in her hands and told her best friend, "Can we just pretend it didn't happen?"

"No," Lily said. "Because it did happen. I won't ask if you don't want me to, but it did happen, Lydia. You know that."

"I know," Lydia sighed.

"We'll probably talk about it another time, anyway," Lily said with a shrug, smiling a little as Rosmerta brought their order to the table. "Let's enjoy today and deal with it later."

Lydia nodded in agreement, knowing full well that she would always try to find a way to put off talking about her home life with Lily, and everyone else, just a little bit longer. Maybe forever, although she suspected Lily would find out sooner or later, even if Lydia managed to keep it from everyone else.

At the end of their girl's day, they headed back up to the dormitory with Lily's new robes and loads of sweets, ready to show off the pretty lavender robes to the other girls.

Lily tried the robes on once more, and to say that everyone was jealous of beautiful Lily in her beautiful new clothes would have been a vast understatement. Lydia just smiled at her pretty friend, wondering if there would ever come a day when Lily would look back at pictures of herself from school and wonder at how her beauty had faded. Perhaps it was a cruel thing to think, but Lydia wasn't feeling especially kind that day.

When the freshness of the new robes had worn off and people had gone about their business, Lydia decided that she should take a shower, get rid of the almost unseemly thoughts of the day by washing them away. Severus would laugh at her when she did things like this, but Lydia insisted that it always made her feel better, cleaner.

What she hadn't expected to find was the sound of someone crying near the shower in the back of the bathroom they shared.

Lydia inched forward quietly, not wanting to startle whoever it was, trying desperately to think of who had been missing when she'd left the room.

She rounded the corner to find Mary crying into her knees, arms wrapped tightly around her folded legs, shaking all through as though something had absolutely terrified her.

"Mary?" Lydia said gently, hoping to get a glimpse of her friend's eyes, desperate to know that it was anything but the Imperius Curse. A nightmare, perhaps, or being sick... Anything would be better than this.

Mary looked up, tears streaking her cheeks. Lydia put a hand on her friend's knee and sighed.

No Imperius Curse. Just bloodshot eyes from crying.

"Mary, what's wrong?"

Mary just shook her head, refusing to answer.

At first, Lydia was perturbed, upset, wanting to force her friend to explain the nature of these tears. But then she recalled how close she herself had been to crying earlier that day and how Lily had not pressed her, perhaps sensing just how close Lydia had been to breaking down. Mary had already broken down. There was really no point in pressing her further. And how hypocritical would it be for Lydia to press Mary where Lily had backed off on Lydia?

"It's all right," Lydia said gently. "You don't have to say."

Mary just looked at her for a long moment, blinking at Lydia as if trying to decide what to say.

"Thank you," she finally choked. "Can you stay with me?"

"I... I guess," Lydia said slowly, feeling awkward, knowing that Mary wanted her to sit and watch her cry without an explanation as to why. "I mean, I was going to take a shower, but-"

"Oh, don't let me keep you," Mary said, sniffling once last time, wiping her eyes and then taking out her wand, removing the redness from her eyes and puffiness from her skin with a practiced air that made Lydia wonder how long this had been going on.

Mary left the room; leaving Lydia alone to undress turned carefully away from the mirror as always, and climb into the shower. She turned the water on in her habitual way, waiting only a moment before the water adjusted to the temperature she preferred. She ran her fingers through her hair to make sure it all wet down as quickly as possible.

Did anyone else know Mary was crying alone in the bathroom? Had Organza or Artemis caught her at it? If Lily had done, knowing Mary's history, surely they would all know, if only to keep an eye on things.

Should Lydia tell the others?

She scrubbed up with the body wash Severus had gotten her more of at Christmas because it was what she'd asked him for, knowing that Lily already wanted to get her something new. She breathed in the scent of vanilla sugar as she let the warm water wash away the suds.

But perhaps they already knew, or everyone but Lily at least, and then she would look like an idiot for not realizing sooner. What kind of friend would that make her?

She ran the shampoo through her soaking hair, trying to decide what the best thing would be, for Mary. She could tell Lily, but she didn't think Lily would have been as understanding about Mary crying alone in the bathroom as she'd been about Lydia refusing to try on clothes at a store. For all Lily knew, Lydia was on her time of the month.

For all Lydia knew, Mary was.

Except she thought about it carefully and realized that Mary couldn't be, because she and Mary were at the same time. It was always hell, playing Quidditch during that week.

Well, that meant that there must actually be something wrong with Mary, whatever it might be. Maybe Lily would be right to make a production, however Lydia didn't feel like it would be right to bring it up to Lily or anyone else, no matter what they may or may not already know.

With that decision done, Lydia rinsed her hair, turned off the water, and climbed out of the shower, hastily pulling on a towel and drying herself thoroughly and systematically. With a quick nod in the mirror she called out to Lily to send in her night clothes, which Lily brought in dutifully.

"Feeling better?" Lily asked kindly. "You were a bit off today."

Lydia wanted to shriek that if Lily had to deal with herself on mornings which she did not wake up looking perfect she would understand what off was, but she swallowed those words and merely smiled at her best friend.

"Much, thanks," she sighed, taking her things from Lily, who stood there for a moment as if trying to decide whether or not Lydia was lying before leaving the room.

With a satisfied nod Lydia was left to dress in privacy.

It was the following day, however, which really put Lydia into a decidedly bad mood.

On her way to Defense Against the Dark Arts, Severus bumped into Lydia, and during class she discovered a note he'd slipped into her bag during the interaction. She hid it, nervous about what her friends would say if they saw it. Everyone knew she was still friends with Severus, but she really didn't interact with him at school, and leaving notes in each other's bags would almost seem like a secret romance or something. That was certainly the last thing she needed the Marauders thinking.

During her free period, Lydia opened up the note in the Charms courtyard, frowning as she read the familiar, tight, spindly writing.

_Lydia,_

_ I know you're upset with me, and perhaps you have every right to be. I know I haven't been the best friend lately, even by our standards. But you need to be careful. Black is behaving strangely around you, and I think the Marauders - stupidest name - are up to something. I'm worried they'll pull you and Lily into their stupidity._

_ Please, I hope you're still not upset about what I said to Lily. You know I didn't mean it, you heard me apologize every time, but... I don't know what to do. Has she said anything about me? Has she... Has she told you anything about what I tried to write to her this summer? I mean, you were there when I wrote the letter, but did she say anything about it?_

_ Has she mentioned me at all?_

_ I expect you to burn this after reading it, and I hope that you'll write me back promptly. I'm afraid that we won't be able to actually talk about this without fear of being overheard. You understand._

_ Don't let Lily or Black see this, especially._

_ -Sev_

Lydia rolled her eyes, folding up the parchment again and considering whether or not she would burn the letter. She decided she would hide it away, put it in the box in which she kept all of the letters he told her to burn. She didn't like not keeping a record of things, and what if she needed it again later? Lydia was fairly certain that Severus knew she did this, but she'd never actually asked or told him.

But she also decided not to reply. It would only encourage him, and she knew Lily wouldn't be pleased.

Perhaps it was a bit silly of Lydia to care what Lily thought about Lydia's continued friendship with Severus, especially when Lily was being so unreasonably self-righteous about the whole thing, but Severus _had_ been rather hurtful.

And Lydia knew what that kind of hurt felt like, so she tried to be considerate to her best friend.

In fact, Lydia got to experience a healthy dose of that hurt at dinner that very night, when Organza sat down across from her.

Organza Oldington was, to put it kindly, a first class bitch.

For example, one of her favorite things in the world was to get attention for herself. And one of her favorite ways to get that attention was to make other people the butt of her every joke. And her favorite joke-butt was Lydia, actually.

They'd lived in the same dorm for now six years with more-or-less strained friendliness, but they had both known that this was only to keep Lily from making them 'talk through their problems' and the like.

Organza had taken a specific delight in the fact that Lydia pined so obviously over Remus, and she made a point of teasing her for it whenever Lily wasn't around, but apparently her boldness had reached new heights.

"You know, Lydia," Organza said with a cruel glint in her eyes, "I thought for a moment that I saw you and Remus snogging in a corridor, but then I realized you couldn't have been because you two are pathetic."

Lily raised her eyebrows with shock, but before she could put out the flames, Organza continued.

"Is it because he's gay for Sirius and James, or is it because you're so utterly boring and repulsive that'd he'd rather be gay than have to admit he just doesn't like you?"

Mary actually dropped her fork and with the clattering of it onto the plate Lydia realized with horror that the entire table had heard what Organza had just said. That included Remus, whose ears were pricked up and bright red with embarrassment.

Lydia could think of a dozen things she wanted to say to Organza, things that deserved to be said, but instead she just looked at the girl to avoid looking at the Marauders, or all the people who were staring at her. She bit the inside of her mouth so that Organza couldn't see, and Artemis squeezed her hand supportively under the table.

"Tell me, Organza," Artemis said smoothly, "did you really get detention for being in a broom cupboard with Connor Pilkington? I imagine McGonagall was livid. I almost feel sorry for her, having to see you behaving like the slut that you are."

Organza turned red and was getting ready to retort when Lily interjected and calmed things down, returning dinner back to its typical, if uneasy, tenor.

But Organza had gotten what she wanted - attention at Lydia's expense. Virtually all of Gryffindor had heard, and by morning the rest of the school would know.

Lydia could almost hear Severus chiding her, telling her how absurd she was for not standing up for herself when she was perfectly capable, or telling her that it was despicable for her to allow Artemis to fight her battles for her.

Swallowing a particularly large forkful of peas, Lydia glanced down the table to where the Marauders sat, Remus determinedly staring at his plate, James eagerly telling Peter something, and Sirius kept glancing thoughtfully over at the girls as if trying to decide something. When he caught Lydia's eye he smiled a little, looked down at his fork, and began to look back up at her again, but Lydia turned away quickly, hoping she wasn't blushing and trying to think of why it would even matter.


	4. December, 1976

"Are you sure you won't come along?" Artemis said with a pout. "My mum said she'd love to take you to Spain."

"No, it's fine, really," Lydia insisted, shaking her head at her friend.

"My parents said you could certainly stay with us over the break again," Lily said softly. "Mary's coming, too, and Petunia's off with her own friends to Germany, so we could make a proper run of things."

"Really, Lily, I'd rather stay here, but thank you," Lydia lied.

The fact of the matter was she couldn't stand the idea of going to Lily's house for Christmas. The last time she'd spent a Christmas with the Evans family, it was because her own house was so repulsive to her and she couldn't admit it to the others, so she'd had to make arrangements with Lily at the last minute.

Of course, Lydia had learned her lesson and stayed at Hogwarts if she didn't have an offer from someone she really couldn't find a way to refuse.

But she did really want to stay at Hogwarts this year, alone, to have some time to sort out her feelings about the future and what she would have to do once she left school in a couple of years.

"I'll be fine," Lydia insisted. "Peter's staying-"

"No, he's not," Organza said in her awful, sing-song voice, teasing Lydia. "I happen to know that Peter is going to Greece with the Potters and Sirius. I think they'll have a right good time, shag many Greek girls-"

"Organza, could you _please_ shut up?" Artemis sighed. She then turned to Lydia and smiled helpfully. "Spain looking a little better?"

"I'm not going, Artemis," Lydia said with an amused smile. "But thanks."

She watched her friends finish up with their packing and she bit her lip, wondering when she would start regretting her decision in full.

"Lydia, have you seen my blue sweater?" Lily asked, going through her things, frowning.

"I borrowed it last week, Lily," Mary said with a smile. "It's somewhere in my trunk, so it'll make it to your place."

Lydia picked at the loose strings of her duvet, wondering how long they'd been there and when the house elves would fix them.

"I'm so excited for France," Organza sighed, ignoring the fact that nobody was listening to her. "Paris in the winter-"

"Is bleak," Artemis muttered.

"And the French boys-"

"Are poofs," Mary hissed at Artemis and Lydia barely under her breath.

Lydia and Artemis giggled and Lily rolled her eyes, although at Organza or about the antics of the other girls, it was impossible to say.

Organza, although certainly having heard the other girls, was still avidly ignoring them. She smiled, sighing dramatically and falling onto the foot of her bed with a bounce.

"Oh, Lydia, I hope you don't spend too much of your holiday wishing you were me," Organza said with a smirk. "I know it will be hard for you, but soldier on."

Lydia curled her nails up until they were digging rather painfully into her palms, but she just smiled inanely.

"We'll miss the train if we don't go soon, girls," Lily said sharply, cutting off the nonsense and reminding everyone, as she often did, that she was in charge of the situation thank-you-very-much, and she would get the whole thing cleaned up.

"Right," Artemis said with a smile. She kissed them all on the cheek, excepting a scowling Organza, and Mary and Lily followed suit, and Lydia was left alone in the dormitory, staring out the window at the grounds, almost wishing already that she'd taken up on one of the offers she'd been given this year.

She was just about to pull the covers over her head when she heard a tapping at the window. Frowning with confusion, Lydia got up to let in the owl at the window.

"Hi, there," she said to the shivering school owl, giving it a treat and taking the note from it. "What on earth?"

She unfolded the notes that held the familiar scrawl of Severus on it, and she sighed.

At least the Marauders and Lily couldn't see this.

_Lydia,_

_ I heard Lily and MacDonald talking about you staying for the holidays._

_ I hope they haven't managed to talk you into going back with them, because it just so happens that I'm the only Slytherin staying, and you're the only Gryffindor in your year staying, from what I've heard. I know we haven't really spent as much time together since N.E.W.T.s, but I think this could be a good time for us to sit down, talk it out and maybe come to some sort of understanding. Maybe I won't ever sort things out with Lily, but at least we could still be friends. Right?_

_ I'll be at the Charms Courtyard after lunch today if you're wanting to sort things out._

_ -Sev_

Lydia sighed.

It wasn't that she didn't want to spend time with Severus, but he of course ignored the fact that there were other Gryffindors staying over the holidays, and they were bound to mention her hanging out with Severus to the others. It would get around to Lily and the Marauders, and she hated the thought of what might happen to the pair of them when that happened.

But maybe... maybe she could figure out something.

She turned the note over, scribbled on the back of it that she'd meet him in their secret place, and sent the bird away again, feeling bad about the cold it had to fly into.

Lydia then curled up under her covers as she had intended to do and hoped that she would have a not-so-very miserable holiday this year. Maybe, she thought with a smile, she and Severus could have some good fun if they were careful about things. She hugged her pillow a bit tighter and sighed, thinking of the Hogwarts Express taking her friends to London at that very moment and how she'd never been happier to be apart from them.

They spent almost every day of break together, as it turned out, exploring Hogwarts, playing gobstones, and gossiping. On Christmas day, they decided to play hooky of a sort and skipping the organized Christmas meal to eat in a false corridor on the sixth floor that Remus had showed Lydia back before things had become awkward with her feelings for him.

"Thank you for the chocolates, by the way," Lydia said with a smile. "And the lovely scarf. Did you actually pick it out yourself?"

"It wasn't hard," Severus replied wryly. "It's the same style you always wear."

Lydia smirked at the scarf wondering if she was truly so predictable, or if Severus just knew her very well.

"Well, anyway," he said, clearly proud of himself for getting the right gift, "thank you for the robes, although you shouldn't have."

"Don't mention it," Lydia said with a laugh. "Literally, don't. It'll spoil the Marauder's next big prank, which I won't tell you about, thank you very much, but you'll thank me even more later."

"I'm sure I will," Severus grumbled. "Well, you really shouldn't have spent so much on me. That's a week's worth of food this summer."

"I'll manage," Lydia said with a dismissive shrug.

Severus gave her a disapproving look, which she ignored.

She would manage, somehow. She was ignoring the fact, as well, that her gifts to other friends were not simply baubles she could have transfigured from buttons.

"I sent Lily something," Severus said with a frown. "Do you think she'll burn it?"

Lydia shrugged noncommittally and said, "Maybe." But they both knew it was a lie to protect his pride. Lily was almost certainly burning his present at that very moment, whatever it was.

"Ah, well," Severus said dismissively, although Lydia knew his pride was hurt. "Maybe they're roasting something over the fire."

In spite of herself, Lydia's lips curled up into a little smile and she pulled her cloak tighter around her shoulders.

"Do you remember that time we roasted marshmallows over the fire we made out of our parents' things?" she asked.

"Yes," he replied, frowning. "It was stupid."

"Best marshmallows I ever had," Lydia argued.

"Have you forgotten the beating I got after?" Severus asked softly. Lydia frowned, but she didn't answer. She had forgotten, but when he mentioned it she remembered the blood running down his lips, down his chin, onto his clothes. She shivered a little, thinking of how long it had taken for her to fix him up again, how much she'd apologized, how sullen he'd been for days. "I don't think it was worth it."

"No," she agreed with a sigh. "No, I guess it really wasn't. Still, we did have fun before... before that."

"I suppose we did," he conceded, yawning and stretching a bit. "You're cold, aren't you?"

"No," Lydia lied, but she shivered again and pulled her cloak tighter still, blushing.

Severus took out his wand, pulled a bit of spare parchment out of his pocket, and set it on fire with bluebell flames they'd learned in charms, letting it go in the middle of the room.

"There," he sighed, watching the flames flicker on the walls. "Want to get the house-elves to bring us marshmallows?"

Lydia smirked, leaning over to lean against Severus as he pressed his back to the wall. She rested her head on his chest and he stroked her hair.

"No thanks," she said. "I'm pretty happy like this."

They just sat there for several minutes, not talking, watching the bluebell flames flicker on top of the parchment without consuming it.

"Don't you wish we could do this more?" Lydia asked, sighing and turning her head to make herself more comfortable. "I mean, whenever we want."

"Of course I do," Severus said softly. "But you insist on caring what those dunderheads think of you, so we are thus limited."

She rolled her eyes.

"They're my friends, Severus. Do you honestly think your friends would be all right with us being like this?"

"Yes," he said softly, running his fingers through her hair. He'd said many a time how incredibly soft her hair was, how jealous he was. "Several of them have lamented that your impure blood makes you a less-than-ideal marriage prospect."

"Ew," Lydia groaned.

"I haven't even told you who," Severus teased. "No, they think you have the proper temperament and look for a pureblooded wife. Just not the blood."

"Sure they're not all purebloods," Lydia reasoned. "But I suppose none of them would risk sinking any lower with a less than impeccable wife, yes?"

"Precisely," Severus drawled. "It's all silliness when you get past the Mudbloods-"

"Don't say that," Lydia said stiffly. "Please."

"Apologies."

She sat up and looked down at his lazy face, which had tensed slightly at the admonishment.

"It's nothing to do with Lily," she said softly, smiling at him sadly. "I know you have to use words like that when you're amongst the other Slytherins. I get it. But Mary and Lily are my best friends and it's a disgusting word that makes my skin crawl when I think of how people use it. And I hate hearing it when you say it because you're one of my best friends. I like the sound of your voice, Sev. Don't make me hate it."

"I am sorry," he said sadly.

"I know," Lydia sighed, settling back in against his chest. "Let's just enjoy today, shall we?"

"Of course," he whispered, running his fingers through her hair again, and they watched the bluebell flames once more.

"Happy Christmas, Sev," Lydia sighed contentedly.

"Happy Christmas, Lydia."

They sat like that until Lydia was nearly asleep against Severus's chest, when he suggested that she get a cup of tea, wake herself up, and freshen up so that nobody got suspicious about what she'd been up to all day.

"Right," she muttered sleepily. "See you soon, Sev."

He put out the flames and nodded.

Lydia went back to her room, made a cup of tea from the tea bags she kept in her trunk, a mug, and hot water her wand produced. While she let the tea steep, she began pulling off her clothes, contemplating a shower, when an owl began knocking at the window.

"That's odd," she muttered, fairly certain that it wasn't from Severus. After all, she'd just left him and they'd already made plans to meet up again. There was really no reason to write her.

Opening the window, Lydia watched the owl flopped in, carrying a package.

"Right," she sighed, closing the window quickly and untying the parcel so that the bird could reorient itself. "Right, let's see if there's something I can feed you."

She managed to find some owl treats in Lily's drawer and put some water in a fresh mug, setting both in front of the haggard owl.

"Let's see what this is, shall we?" she told the owl brightly, taking the teabag out of her mug before turning to unwrap the parcel, curious.

It was a Christmas present, she realized, although she had already opened presents from everyone she'd expected one from. She opened the small box and saw a beautiful crystal pendant, with a delicate blue crystal hanging from a silver chain. She didn't buy jewelry often enough to know how much it was, but she guessed it was rather expensive.

There was no card or letter, just a small, scribbled note in a hand she didn't quite recognize that said, "For the most beautiful girl."

Her heart pounded for a moment thinking perhaps it was from Remus, or a secret admirer or something. Of course, she wouldn't put it past Artemis to do something like this to boot her confidence.

"Well," Lydia sighed, lifting the pendant out of the box. "Well, it's certainly pretty, isn't it?"

The owl cooed and she looked over to see it had finished the owl treats and was lapping eagerly at the water.

"Right," Lydia muttered. "I'm talking to an owl. Right."

When the owl had fully rested Lydia let it back out to fly back to wherever it was from and she drank her tea, putting on her dressing gown and curling up on her bed, looking at the pendant as it spun in the candlelight.

"Hmm," she muttered. "Definitely expensive."

The most negative thing about that was that it was almost certainly not from Remus. He'd already gotten her a present that he could probably barely afford. The likelihood that he could afford to get her a straw on top of it was virtually impossible, much less an expensive pendant.

Artemis could certainly afford it, and Sirius and James, but she didn't think either of those boys would write a note that said what the note had said. Artemis was possible.

But, she thought, it was possibly a secret admirer.

Of course, the notion was silly, as she knew she wasn't even the most attractive girl in her dormitory, much less "the most beautiful girl." Not unless he was blind.

Lydia sat up a bit straighter, thinking through all the boys she knew, trying to think if she knew anyone who was blind.

Well, everyone had suspected that Davey Gudgeon had suffered a bit in the vision department after his run-in with the Whomping Willow, but nobody had actually found any evidence of it. She really didn't know what Davey's hand-writing looked like, but the very idea of poor Davey Gudgeon sending Lydia expensive jewelry made her feel a bit uncomfortable.

"No," she sighed, setting the pendant down on her bedside table and finishing her tea. "Not Davey."

Placing the mug on the bedside table by the pendant, Lydia got up, took off her dressing gown, and made her way into the bathroom where she started the shower, adjusting the temperature carefully.

One good thing about having the dormitory to herself was that Lydia could feel free. No one would walk in on her. No one would see her body or judge her. No one but the mirror, and she knew where every mirror in the castle was.

She could avoid mirrors when she wanted.

When the water was perfect Lydia stepped in, mind still turning over the pendant.

She let the warm water run down her body and closed her eyes, not wanting to look at herself from the unflattering angle of her own perspective. The mirror was a bit better, but legs always looked fatter, tummies curvier, arms flabbier, from the first person perspective. Instead of thinking about her body she ran her fingers through her hair to wet it for shampoo and tried to think about how likely Artemis was to send her such a gift.

The strangest thing about it, Lydia decided as she lathered in the shampoo, was that Artemis wasn't a very anonymous person. She would pull a stunt like sending Lydia an expensive gift with a falsely positive note, but she would sign her name, wouldn't send a decoy gift. Perhaps she bought the first gift in England and decided that something she saw in Spain suited Lydia so well that she had to send it, but then why not sign her name to the note?

And the handwriting didn't look anything like Artemis's writing, and while it did strike a chord in her memory Lydia couldn't seem to figure out which chord.

She took her shower, dried off slowly, relishing the unrushed feeling of being alone. Then Lydia brushed and dried her hair, putting on nightclothes and climbing into bed, turning over in her bed to look at the pendant lying on the bedside table.

Whoever sent it, she supposed, would remain a mystery for a while, at least until the other students came back in January. With a frustrated sigh, Lydia tried to push the whole thing from her mind and turned onto the other side, waving her wand to put out the candles before setting it, too, on the bedside table. She closed her eyes and tried to focus on nothing but elusive sleep.


	5. January, 1977

James sent out a letter the day after New Year's that they would have their first Quidditch practice back on the first day of term, so everyone but Lydia had barely gotten settled in when they had to wake up at ungodly hours of the morning once more to satisfy their vicious dictator, James Potter.

"I can't feel my face," Mary moaned as the girls walked out to the pitch together.

"I can't feel my fingers," Lydia admitted.

"Rowe!" James shrieked. "MacDonald! Get your arses down here before I make you do a double practice!"

"Why does he always threaten us with that?" Mary whimpered. "Can't he get an imagination?"

"If this is how cruel he is without an imagination I shudder to think what he's like with one," Lydia muttered, getting on her broom as soon as she reached the pitch and kicking off the snow-covered ground to come level with James in the air.

"Run our tactical Chaser approach for Slytherin," he barked. "MacDonald, I want you thinking like the Slytherin Keeper for the first half. I want you to treat us like you're an ugly Slytherin ape and you're -"

"I know, James," Mary sighed. "I'm on it."

"Good," he said with disgruntled approval.

James didn't like being interrupted, especially whilst giving first-practice-of-term instructions.

He finished up the instructions, including putting out the Bludgers first thing.

"No Snitch," he ordered. "If you could just play as an opposing Chaser, that'd be great. Melissa, if anyone gets hurt at this practice you're doing an extra set of laps!"

Lydia barely spared a moment of pity for Melissa, who'd been having a hard time doing her usual spectacular job in the cold, before she was doing exactly what James had asked, getting into formation on the left wing, watching James for the signals she was supposed to have memorized.

The truth was Lydia went almost entirely on instinct instead of the plays James had given her, especially when she was fresh off a holiday, because she found studying plays boring and James rarely yelled at her for making instinctual mistakes.

Practice was cold, miserable, but surprisingly productive. Apparently James knew what he was doing, dragging them out in the snow, because everyone listened to his instructions better for the utter desire to get back inside by a fireplace.

"All right!" James called, having them circle in with the Beaters on alert for the still-circling Bludgers. "Great job, everyone! Melissa, I want you to help me collect the Bludgers and we can all go inside!"

Lydia and Mary were on the far side of the field, and just out of habit they decided to fly down at an angle so the landing was relatively soft, and it turned out, in this case, that it was the best thing Lydia could have done.

She was about five feet from the ground when a Bludger came out of nowhere and hit her in the thigh.

"Sorry!" Melissa cried, horrified. "I'm so sorry!"

"I've got it!" James cried, catching the Bludger in question and re-chaining it in the box.

Lydia had fallen onto the ground, her broom landing beside her in the snow. She groaned, feeling her leg begin to throb.

James landed beside her, rolling her over in the snow and saying, "Where did it hurt?"

"Thigh," she groaned.

He pulled out his wand and began to scan her thighs with it.

"No broken bones," he said. "Knowing you, it'll bruise, maybe swell, but if you go see Remus he's got something that should help with that. Melissa can do extra laps next time, since we've already called an end to practice, and MacDonald! Take Rowe to find Remus and report back!"

"We're not in an army, James," Mary growled. "I'll take her, but because she's my friend, not because you want me to report to you."

She helped Lydia get out of James's earshot and muttered, "Bloody tyrant."

"He means well," Lydia gasped. "Let's just get there quickly, it's already starting to swell."

"Well, falling in the snow probably helped," she said weakly, smiling. "Like nature's icepack!"

But Lydia was too much in pain to be amused. She wanted to compose herself enough that Remus didn't see her as a sobbing wreck, but it was difficult with the distance they had to cover.

"Almost there," Mary said as they hobbled across the common room, and nearly ran into Remus, who was coming down the stairs, perhaps to get breakfast.

"Lydia?" he yelped in surprise. "What happened? Quidditch?"

"Bludger," Lydia muttered. "Large bruise likely. Swelling. James said you had something-"

"A salve, yeah," Remus said nervously, taking her from Mary. "Thanks, Mary, I've got her from here. C'mon, Lydia, let's get you settled."

If she hadn't been gritting her teeth to keep from crying, Lydia would have been able to appreciate Remus holding her.

"I thought you guys were done with practice," Remus said. "What happened?"

"They were getting the Bludgers, but Melissa missed one as I was landing," Lydia sighed. "I should have been paying more attention, but I was just so happy to be done that I didn't really think about it. And Melissa had been doing really well all morning. I guess James might be right. Our reflexes really are off when we come back from holiday."

"Or maybe accidents just happen," Remus said reasonably helping her hobble up the staircase. "I hope James doesn't blame Melissa for this. She's under a lot of stress."

"What d'you mean?" Lydia asked, wishing they didn't keep getting higher up the tower as they got older.

"Just that Melissa's having a hard time in Transfiguration," Remus said softly. "I found her crying in the library the other day. If she doesn't get a passing grade soon, she's going to have to quit the team. I told James about it, and he's going to get a tutor for her, but he doesn't think it'd be appropriate if it's one of us."

"Lily would do it," Lydia said as Remus helped her into the dormitory. He took off to the bathroom and Lydia sat down on a chair between his bed and Sirius's.

"She might," he agreed.

"Thanks for doing this," Lydia called, lifting her leg up to the bed nearest her, pulling her robes up to examine the swelling welt growing on her thigh. It was already a deep, unappetizing shade of purple that Lydia was certain skin as pale as hers should never be.

"No problem," came Remus's voice. "I know we've got this salve somewhere. James..." There was a crashing sound. "Damn it! He keeps moving things, he thinks it's clever or cute or something to reorganize whenever he's bored."

"No worries," Lydia said, glancing around the room. "It's not like I'm dying. Time is _not_ of the essence."

She bit back a groan as she shifted, settling in more comfortably for a possibly long wait.

What caught her eye as she began looking around was the nearest bedside table, where there was a large stack of letters.

Perhaps she shouldn't have picked them up, but Lydia had instantly recognized her own hand and was curious to see what this collection was. Almost in the moment she picked them up she recognized them as all the letters she had ever written to Remus, but as she flipped through them, she realized they all bore one major alteration:

In every place she had written Remus's name, it had been crossed out by another hand and Sirius's name had been written in its place.

Lydia's heart pounded as she tried to make sense of this, looking over at the place she had lifted them from, seeing nothing to signify that it was Remus's table, but instead a dueling medal Sirius had won the year before, a detention notice from McGonagall made out to Sirius, and his Arithmancy notes.

Or rather, what she could only imagine were meant to be his Arithmancy notes from the hastily scribbled formulae and undefined terms that scattered the margins of the parchment. In the focus of each sheaf, each folio, were incredibly well-done sketches of a girl so beautiful Lydia was sure she couldn't exist.

And yet, that was the way Lydia tucked her hair behind her ear when she was writing, and that was exactly the way her nose crinkled when she laughed, down to the last fold and freckle. Somehow these beautiful sketches were of some glorified version of Lydia herself. The thought that anyone could see her that way was incomprehensible. The fact that it was Sirius she could scarcely imagine.

In her piqued curiosity, Lydia opened the drawer to find barely-sorted letters to her, all slightly crumpled with frustration, all bearing the unfinished declaration of something so seemingly urgent that Lydia wished she would find a finished thought somewhere, in anyone of them, just to begin to grasp what she was finding.

Pictures, then, when she ran out of letters. Ones she'd posed for at parties, Quidditch team photos, pictures she couldn't even recall the event of and that she certainly hadn't posed for. There was a word forming in her mind, one she scarcely wanted to acknowledge even within her own mind because she couldn't bear to be wrong, but...

Love.

It would seem, to the desperate, confused eye of Lydia, that Sirius Black was in love with her. She thought of telling herself that it was simply her need to be wanted that read into what she was finding, but she knew she was lying to herself.

"Got it!" came Remus's voice, and she turned, hand still in the drawer as she saw him come into the room, salve in hand, frozen with wide eyes as he took in the scene before him. His eyes darted all around the bedside table and with every moment, more and more comprehension dawned on his face. "Right," he finally muttered. "Right. Well, let's deal with your leg first and then we'll talk, okay?"

Lydia had no objections to that, as her leg had swollen considerably, so he sat on what she assumed was Sirius's bed, taking the lid off the salve and setting it gently on top of the stack of letters. He daubed his fingers into the pale purple salve and began gently spreading it along her bruising, swelling thigh. Lydia closed her eyes as his fingers gently massaged her tender skin.

"There," he said far too quickly. "The swelling is already going down, and the discoloration should fade throughout the day."

She opened her eyes, looking up into his gentle amber irises, biting back a disappointed sigh.

"Thanks," Lydia muttered, gingerly putting her leg off the bed and letting her robes fall to cover it again. They sat there awkwardly for a moment.

"Well, then," Remus finally sighed. "I suppose we should talk about this, then." He exhaled heavily, nodded, and then said, "We need to start by talking about us, I guess. James and Sirius...they got fed up with me turning you down quite a lot, and Sirius got this grand plan he thought would be absolutely foolproof. He wanted to make me jealous. He started collecting pictures, tweaking your letters..." Remus sighed and shook his head. "Somewhere along the line, though, he started drawing you, started to realize that he was falling in love with you. He's...he's been struggling, trying to find a way to tell you how he feels, but I know it's hard for him when you keep going after me."

Love.

Lydia glanced at the sketches, touching the one on top, a sketch of Lydia studying by the window in the common room.

"Is this really what I look like?" she whispered.

Remus gave her a sad smile, nodding a bit absently.

"I know it sounds a bit silly," he said softly, looking down at the sketch, "but I don't think you'll ever really know how beautiful you are, especially to us."

She looked up at Remus, the scars lining his face, the far-off twinkle in his amber eyes, and she wondered if he would ever see how utterly beautiful he was.

"I...I should probably go," Lydia finally said softly. "Thank you for help with the leg. I... Lily will be worried about me."

"Of course," Remus said gently, hoarsely helping Lydia to her feet and watching her without apology.

Lydia made her way to the common room in a bit of a daze, so she barely noticed that Sirius ran right into her.

"Oh, sorry," Sirius said earnestly, grinning at her. "You all right?"

"Yeah," she replied, only fibbing a bit. "I'm okay. We...um...I..."

"I had a question, actually," Sirius said smoothly, talking straight over her fumbling words. "I was wondering if you wouldn't be able to help me with something."

"Yes?"

"Um," Sirius muttered. "Could you tutor me in Arithmancy? I...I could use a bit of help, and you're so good at it."

This couldn't be happening. Lydia needed time to process and understand her new information. The last thing she'd wanted to do was deal with Sirius's quest to spend more time with her, which seemed so obvious now that she knew.

"I...um," Lydia muttered, well aware of her blushing. "I'll need to check my schedule," she said nervously. "I...I'm fairly busy. You know...Quidditch and all that."

"Of course," Sirius said quickly. "Let me know whenever is convenient for you."

Before he could come up with another line of conversation, Lydia nodded hurriedly and ran up the stairs to her own dormitory, vaguely aware that he'd taken her attempt to put him off and turned it into a sort of agreement to tutor him.

/-/

Sirius frowned after Lydia. Perhaps it was his imagination but he felt as though she'd just run away from him. Still, he shook it off and thought instead of the feeling of her body crashing into his as she rushed toward the girls' staircase.

This thought in his mind, Sirius began to whistle and hopped up the steps to his own dormitory to find Remus sitting on Sirius's bed looking incredibly frazzled.

"What's up, Mooney?"

Remus looked up at Sirius and the carefree Marauder took a step back at the swirling frustration and fury and despair in his friend's amber eyes.

"I hate you," Remus growled. "Why can't you ever learn to clean up after yourself?"

Sirius blinked at him, confused. What was going on? Remus did tell all of them that they were excessively messy, but never in an angry way. It hardly merited the word 'hate.' The only time Sirius had seen Remus so upset and enraged was when Sirius had almost killed Snape by tricking him into going to the Shrieking Shack while Remus transformed.

It was difficult for Sirius not to get distracted with furious thoughts of how close Lydia and Snape had been before Snape and Evans had their very public falling out. The fury Sirius had felt, seeing Snape hugging Lydia, holding her the way Sirius so longed to do still coursed through him no matter how he tried to get it out of his mind.

"What did I do?" Sirius asked slowly, softly. Skiddish an angry animals had to be dealt with calmly, and Remus was often the same. "What happened?"

"Lydia," Remus moaned, "found them."

Found...what?

Sirius looked over to his bedside table where his sketches and her letters were sitting out. His throat began to constrict.

"What happened?" he managed to rasp out.

Remus shook his head and said, "She got hurt during practice and I couldn't find the stupid salve because of James and his stupid habits. By the time I got out here she was looking in the drawer."

Sirius closed his eyes tightly, his mind reeling. The drawer! How much had she seen? How much did she know?

"I had to tell her," Remus whispered.

That was the anger, then. As long as Lydia didn't know that someone loved her, maybe she would never fall in love with anyone else. Remus might have pushed her away dozens, hundreds of times, but Sirius knew better than anyone how much Remus's self-love was tied to his knowing that Lydia loved him. Sirius could taste through the tension in the air the possibility for change that could destroy the balance the two boys had found on the matter.

"That's why she was so weird just now," Sirius finally said, unsure of what else to say. "I asked her to tutor me in Arithmancy and she said she'd think about it and sort of ran away."

Remus sighed.

The boys just sat there together, contemplating the implications of this turn of events, even as Lydia was doing the same in her own bed, elsewhere in Gryffindor Tower.


End file.
